Deep gladness, deep hunger

For some reason, this Frederick Buechner quote has been sloshing around in my head:

The place God calls you to is the place where your deep gladness and the world's deep hunger meet.

I guess I've been thinking about my future and what God will want me to do with this life. The more I think about this quote, the more it seems to make sense. It makes sense that if God wants me to do something, he will have given me talent and "gifting" to do it, and will also have instilled in me a desire and joy in doing it. It also makes sense that just being good at some activity doesn't make it worthy enough to be part of God's calling; it also must be in line with what God is trying to do in the world. It must fit his purpose.

I hope to find these intersections (and I expect there will be more than one) during my time at Regent. Once I do, obviously I will have found my callings. I get this feeling that I will discover these primarily through the blessed interaction with peers and mentors.

Connecting with the Divine

I think I realized something about myself yesterday. The way in which I am able to connect and commune with God is from the exchange of thoughts and ideas. This is generally the way in which God "speaks" to me. It's not that we exchange audible words, but that I'm able to tell him my thoughts and he tells me his. His thoughts come from places like books, heartfelt conversations with people and hymns.

I get a lot from God when I read books; I think that's why I enjoy reading so much. He quite often shows me nuggets (or rocks) of wisdom from "Christian literature". I've received something from every one of those types of books. I can read such books for hours and I will feel more alive when I'm done than when I started. I still need to cultivate divine insight when reading "secular literature".

I've been created in a way where I feel like I connect with people if I've talked with them in "deep conversations". Conversations which I consider deep are ones where I feel like I've been able to talk with a person in a real and honest way. Where I feel like I've learned a bit of who he really is, and not the mask he puts up for people. The heart of the matter is that I've been able to exchange ideas and thoughts with her. From that, God has spoken to me about human nature, about life, about whatever God wants me to learn. And hopefully I've been able to speak God to him as well. These conversations can last hours, early in the morning, and I will still feel more awake at the end than at the beginning.

It's interesting, but I've found that out of all types of songs that praise God, hymns speak to me the most. I almost always get goosebumps and chills when singing hymns, and I think it's because they are so packed with theology (thoughts about God). As I sing them, I learn or am reminded of who God is, what God thinks of me, what he has done for me, etc.. Those thoughts, by stimulating my mind, touch my heart. It's easier for me to feel joy, forgiveness, gratitude, freedom, when I know why.

I think this is why I am looking forward to seminary. I am hoping that God will speak to my heart in immense ways as my mind is filled with God-thoughts. That I will experience shalom in my life as I study the Old Testament. That my life will be filled with hope as I learn what God will do in the end. And that I find true salvation in my heart as I learn about and meditate on the Cross and Resurrection.

Everyday's my birthday

Just to note, both Laura and I have been watching Korean dramas, so she's been learning a little Korean too, which is good. Unfortunately, the only Korean song she knows is "Saeng-il chook-ka hap-ne-dah" ("Happy Birthday" in Korean), so everyday's been my birthday.

All about the Koreans

Lately, I've been watching this Korean drama (if you can believe it) called "Summer Scent". I won't bore you with the details, but it has actually given me a desire to learn more Korean again. I can follow some of the dialogue, but for a good portion of it, I have to read the subtitles.

Learning Korean has made me think of my ethnic identity. I was born in Korea, so I guess that makes me Korean, but I only identify with some of that culture. I've lived most of my life in the United States, so I guess I mostly identify myself as American. But I don't really think of myself as Korean American, as evidenced by the fact that I embrace very little of my Korean side (don't speak or learn the language, little desire to visit Korea, don't spend much time with other Koreans). Why am I Korean then? There must be a reason why God made me this way. I've always wondered if I would find reconciliation with myself and my Korean identity. I have yet to see it and wonder what it would be like.

Advice from a former Regent student

At Upper Room on Sunday, Laura and I ate with this couple from Vancouver, one of whom graduated from Regent College a couple years ago. She gave me some very helpful advice that I think I wouldn't have known to do. She said to take advantage of the faculty there. To sign up for time with them and meet with them and talk with them and get to know them. To learn from them from just getting to know them. She actually said it was pretty much in their job description too; to be available to the students. This was particularly helpful to me because I don't think I would have done much of it at all if it wasn't stressed to me. For some reason, as a student, I'm very timid in talking to professors.

I think the reason for my timidity is because I've been raised in a culture with a strong sense of hierarchy. So breaking the boundaries of that hierarchy is very difficult for me to do or accept. My parents are my parents; it's hard to think of them as friends. So anyone around the same age as my parents will be more parent figures than friends. I think this is why I have a hard time just feeling casual with my superiors at work. This spills over into my academic mindset. I would generally only go to professors if I had a question or needed help with something; that is the nature of a professor-student relationship. But to ask him about his family, or how he's been doing lately is something that requires me to switch to a friend mindset and I can't do that easily. But I guess I'll have to if I really want to take advantage of everything Regent has to offer. This is already one way I can foresee I'll be growing as I go there.

Appreciation and transition

The weekend was busy, and there seemed to be a running theme going on throughout.

Friday and Saturday was packed with the annual senior trip; essentially a trip where some of us youth counselors went on a road trip with the high school seniors before they go off to college in the fall. It was a lot of fun; spent a lot of time at the beach, playing games in our hotel rooms, and singing along to music in our car. But what I enjoyed the most was the time of blessing. We spent a couple hours Friday night and a couple more on Saturday afternoon just sharing and praying for each individual senior. We shared about funny stories, first impressions, things we appreciated about each person, then prayed for them. It was very touching; they even shared about and prayed for me. I felt incredibly blessed to hear how I've touched these seniors' lives over the last 4 years in youth ministry. It was a good reminder that despite my weaknesses, God worked powerfully through me.

Sunday evening was another Upper Room time, but this time we came together to just celebrate our English pastor and his wife, since they would be leaving to China in the fall, to serve in an orphanage there. They've been with us for the last 7 years, and it was bittersweet to think they'd be leaving. They've blessed my church and me personally in so many ways. I have to admit, they might just be the closest role models to Jesus Christ I've met in my life, with their tenderness, compassion, love and countless prayers. Watching all the appreciation made me think, "I want my life and service to be as Christlike as theirs has been." All of this also made me thankful to God, who makes such joyous things possible. Without Him, we wouldn't have such reason to celebrate and be thankful.

Homeschooling

I met up today with a family that I've known for years. They're making their annual trip up to Northern California to visit the kids' grandparents. They stopped by near my work on their way up, and we were able to meet up at Starbucks to catch up for an hour. On a side note; I find it strange that coffee shops have become the de facto place for me to meet up with people. I can't seem to think of any other place as a meeting place suggestion. Particularly Starbucks; I mourn the extinction of local coffee stores.

But anyways, this family homeschools their kids and they asked me (even though the question is a bit premature) if I would consider homeschooling my kids. I shared with them that I remembered reading an article (it's called Six Lessons from New York's State Teacher of Year) that caused me to seriously consider homeschooling when I raise my children. The article is very enlightening, but some of the interesting points were:

• Teachers may teach English, or History, or Math, but what they mainly teach is School. Schoolteachers are just that; they are ones who teach school.
• We lock 30 kids together in the same room for a whole hour and we expect them to sit still, be quiet until asked to speak, stay attentive, etc..
• Whatever it is that you are doing cannot possibly be more important than the bell ringing, beckoning you to your next class.
• Conformity is much more important than curiosity.
• "People need to be told what they are worth"; particularly using letters and numbers, even to the percentage point.
  
• All these lessons we teach kids tell them to conform, follow rules, be okay with being dependent on others; which prepares them well for the working world, where they will continue to conform, follow rules, etc..

Is it any wonder why kids don't like school? And how much do parents really look into what they are entrusting their kids? Their kids' values will be greatly shaped at this place where they spend around 30 hours a week; have they checked what those values are? It seems like things will get even worse with this "No Child Left Behind" policy; if teachers were teaching to the tests before, how much more will they be doing it now, since their government funding depends on it?

I guess we'll see about the homeschooling.

A bout of panic

Last night I was looking over registration for classes for Regent this fall and a wave of panic came over me momentarily. My train of thought went something like this:

What classes should I take? There seem to be some basic classes that I definitely should take, but what should I take for electives? To know that, I need to know what I'm going for. I know I'm enrolled in the MCS (two-year program), but what should my concentration be? I don't know what God wants me to concentrate in. Should I do something more "practical", like Applied Theology? Something more "academic", like Church History? I've always liked history. I don't know. I haven't really thought and prayed about this at all; been too busy. Am I going to survive all the paper writing? I didn't get to write too much in college, and I didn't even get the best grades on my papers. Maybe I should take that Academic Writing seminar. What am I going to do about figuring out these classes? What am I going to do about figuring out my concentration? I know I was told that I don't need to have my calling figured out by the time I get there, but maybe that was wrong? What if I have a hard time finding good community there as well? Aagh!

At this point I realized I was not trusting God to take care of me. Don't I believe that God is in control and that he is good? Why am I worrying so much?

Youth beach trip

Spent just about the entire day Saturday going to Seacliff State Beach near Santa Cruz. We took the youth there for a nice summer beach trip. It was alright. The food was great (love those spicy chicken wings), and the beach was beautiful, but I wonder why I was there. Is it just to drive them, have fun with them, provide food for them, babysit them? Is this what my ministry has become? Sure, ministry is lifestyle and I guess the point was to marvel and enjoy God's creation, but I wonder if I've gotten tired of just having fun.

Bachelor party

I attended a bachelor party on Friday and had a great time. After dinner, we had some fun with the bachelors by having them answer questions that their fiancées answered in advance. If they answered differently, they would be punished. We had them wear dresses, do their hair, sing songs, perform skits, etc.. The best part of the evening for me though, was when we shared how they had touched our lives and prayed for their upcoming marriages. It's times like these that I feel joyous to be alive.

Argument for/against the existence of God

The other day, I watched a reshowing of the Craig-Atkins debate on TV. Dr. Craig gave the typical Christian arguments for the existence of God (intelligent design, historicity of Jesus, etc.), but I was particularly interested in hearing the arguments made by Peter Atkins, who is one of the foremost advocates of atheism. I believe his main argument was something of the nature of Occam's Razor, where if you can sufficiently explain all of the things in our universe without the need for God, you should not try to explain them using God. Essentially, he was praising the greatness of science and the evolution of humanity. He believed that humans will eventually evolve into a higher form and be able to explain everything using the scientific method, even things like consciousness, ethics, and aesthetics.

How to Get a Date Worth Keeping

Came across someone who was mentioning the book How to Get a Date Worth Keeping. Seems very interesting, with some ideas that Christians I know wouldn't agree with. Some excerpts from the editorial review from Publishers Weekly (emphasis mine):

He also asserts that dating is not just a precursor to marriage, disagreeing with those Christians who refuse to date unless they glimpse a tiered wedding cake at the end of the rainbow. Non-serious dating, Cloud writes, is an essential step in the process of eventually finding a mate, because it teaches people what they need and want through trial and error. Cloud unveils a whole program for "getting out there" in the dating world: singles should keep a log of all the eligible people they meet; go places where other singles go (Cloud calls this "changing your traffic pattern"); consider joining a dating service; and forget the "love at first sight" myth. He even suggests dating non-Christians-which will raise some evangelical eyebrows-while repeating his proviso that dating is not marriage.

Interesting; certainly different than what I've been taught over the years.

Crying

Something happened yesterday evening. I was talking with one of my pastors and sharing about my struggles with trying to live the "normal Christian life", and I started to cry. I was crying because I was so tired of feeling guilty of trying to live holy, and I just wanted to cry out to God, "Help me! Save me!" I was also crying because I felt the love of God in a very intense and intimate way I had not felt for a long time. My pastor had me read Romans 8 from the Bible; my voice broke and tears flowed almost every other word. The Bible came alive to me, and I understood God's love. I knew it deep in my heart. It was a strange and wonderous thing to experience the Bible.

I hope this has opened up something in me to be free to experience God more.

Tour de France

I have started following the Tour de France in recent years. Not sure why, but I found it fascinating once I discovered there was more to it than just riding a bike for long distances at great speeds. Like discovering what a peloton is, or what it means to "attack" the peloton, and why people do it. Or the strategies involved in winning a long, grueling event like the Tour. Lance Armstrong has certainly helped to make it popular, but I've also learned to appreciate the sport itself.

Frankie Andreu's diaries (he's a former teammate of Lance Armstrong) are also a fascinating look into the life of a professional cyclist. The little wins, the maneuvers for the team, the sheer exhaustion from biking over 120 miles day after day.

Dare to be free

I went to my church's young adult retreat (they call it a summit) this past weekend. It was good; I feel like I received some good "spiritual food". The theme particularly spoke to me: Dare to be Free. I probably don't need to tell you that, despite me living in a country that has given me freedom, I still feel chained. Chained to other people's expectations of me; chained to hurts in my past, etc.. But I feel like I was able to find release from those chains this past weekend.

In particular, I have been reminded of my incomplete viewpoint of God. Last Wednesday, I was talking with my pastor and we were discussing how I hear God's voice. How does He speak to me? What does He say? I was sharing that for the most part, I hear God telling me that I should be doing this, or not doing that, etc.. At that point, it occurred to me that I almost never experience God's pleasure, His delight, His joy over me. The problem isn't from the fact that He doesn't tell me these things, but that I cannot hear them. This is my incomplete viewpoint of God. I lack the ability to know that God is proud of me, that He's pleased with me, that He looks forward to spending time with me, just as any good father would. This most likely explains why it is so hard for me to be disciplined about spending time with God. If it's just a duty, the motivation to do it doesn't last. But if it's a delight, the motivation comes automatically.

So anyways, I received prayer from different people, that I would be free from feeling guilty that I do this or don't do that for God, so that I could enjoy God and more easily grow closer to Him. True freedom.

July 4th was fun; just relaxed and played Settlers of Catan with some friends. I'm really getting people hooked on that game.

Litany of humility

Here is an excerpt from the Litany of Humility (yes, it's a Catholic thing):

From the fear of being forgotten,
Deliver me, Jesus.

and

That others may be praised and I unnoticed,
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

I think a significant portion of my fight against pride is the fight against wanting to be noticed, to be praised, and not be forgotten. Since my physical attributes and personality are not very noticeable (especially to strangers), I feel like I want to show myself as such a genius and deep thinker. Because of this, I have at times battled with the idea of having an online journal. Am I doing this to be recognized as a deep thinker and a concise writer?

That's why this litany really speaks to me. I realize my main struggle with pride is not that I think too highly of myself, but that I think too highly of what people think about me. I want Jesus to give me such a confidence that I can be unnoticed and forgotten, and that I can still know I have worth.

In the end, I have still decided to share my thoughts online, because I do see how it has encouraged people, and it is a good thing to accept compliments. I will leave it to Jesus to deliver me and grant me the grace to know my place in His Kingdom, which is somewhere in between worthless and not too important.