My Life Matters

I heard the news the other day that a friend I knew from college had recently passed away. He died from a heart attack; he was 31. I didn't know him all that well and hadn't talked to him since college, but I knew he was a good man. A man of God who truly passionately loved the Lord and longed to bring His kingdom to this world.

The thing is I always imagined him to be the type of guy to die in a "blaze of glory"; like he would be martyred by some military soldiers while helping the poor and oppressed in some faraway country. Dying of a heart attack just seems more senseless compared to that. I guess I think that way because I have this pride-humility tension inside of me. I do not want to boast in myself but sometimes I can't help but want my life to matter. There's nothing wrong with that, but sometimes it's easy to get caught up in the idea that the best way for your life to matter is to become recognized, to become famous, to become revered and honored by people. This is nothing new, but I think the way my desire for this is expressed is through a more spiritual (for lack of a better term) form; by becoming a recognized "defender of the faith". My thinking goes, "if I become a great pastor, or a great missionary, then people will know about me and historians will write about me, like they did with Jim Elliot." With this kind of thinking, it's easy to feel like a life didn't matter if that life ended because of a heart attack at the age of 31. Obviously this is not true, because this kind of thinking is based on pride. What I long for my thinking to be, is that because I know I am loved by God, my life matters. I live a life of obedience and God chooses when I go to be with him. And I know that's how my friend lived his life. I know his life mattered.

To go along the lines of my Spiritual Discernment professor's phrasing: O God of all grace, grant me this grace I pray, that I would know my life matters because I am known and loved by God, and that would drive me to live obediently all the days of my life, however many they would be.